My men are very brave


General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

Advertisements

ESL Jokes-3


Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

 

ESL Jokes-2


A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

Nasreddin Hodja


 

Nasreddin Hodja is one of the legendary wits of Turkish culture. He is believed to have lived around the time of Tamburlane, the crippled, while the Mongolian leader was ruling in Anatolia. His stories, the stories of what befall him rather, are some of
the most hilarious in the Turkish literature. Not only for children is it a great gift but for everyone who wants to ride into the Anatolian sense of humor full gallop.

 

One day Hodja was wandering in the marketplace, checking out the stands as he always did. On one of them, he noticed a different bird he had never seen in his life before.  A bird with strange colors. A merchant was shouting out its price.

   ” One hundred “.

One hundred for a bird !? Having been startled at the price of the bird, probably good for nothing as he thought,  Hodja rushed to his house and fetched his precious turkey over. Finding a place next to the man selling the bird, he began shouting out :

   ” Two hundred, two hundred for turkey”. People around him started to laugh. An ordinary bird like turkey could never go for a price like that.

   “But, he is selling that weird, useless one for one hundred “, Hodja tried to explain.

   “No!”, they said. ” it is a parrot “.

   ” Well, so what ? What does a parrot do ? ” asked Hodja.

   ” Don’t you know Hodja ” they replied all at once ” a parrot speaks “.

   Never have expected an answer like this, Hodja paused for a moment and as if  he wasn’t impressed at all and he went on

   ” If a parrot speaks, a turkey meditates “.

 

Can I play piano once these are off?


A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”

“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.

“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”

 

I have bad and very bad news


Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Taxi driver in Heaven


A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up’, said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’

‘Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’